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Saudade

I took a pause in life and realized. I have already lived the best part of my life. I could not believe at first that before hitting 30 years in life, the best was already over. Then saw some photos of the past and looked at all those glorious years pass me by. It all came rushing in after that – life indeed is a nine days’ wonder.

When did it all get over? When did it start? Was it I who changed? Or everything else around me? Could I have stopped it? These questions leave me baffled. It frustrates me that I, being the sole proprietor of my life, have no clue as to when I lost its most precious riches. The only thing I know now is that I am not getting it back. I was so busy in the daily, mundane, repetitive, boring race towards death that I never realized this ever happening.

I am writing this blog as a eulogy to that great time spent with so many friends. Friends who lived together, who traveled across India together, who partied every other day - got hung over every day, vowed never to drink again but still drank the same day. Friends who were so meant to be together that it would have been impossible for us not being friends. Times when drinks poured in stolen glasses, birthday’s meant getting whipped and a day spent home meant missing out. Times when drinks were cheap, coke was rationed, glasses were disposable but the memories indisposable. 

Living in London would have been a dream at some point of my life but it will never be the best part of it. Something is still missing. The by lanes of Jaisalmer and Goa felt more complete than this. There wasn’t much money but we had so much time. Next time I will have vacations for months at stretch would probable be when I retire now. That phase of life might be over but I am glad that for a while I could have that feeling of psychological utopia.

There are some things that you can only feel and you can never put in words. From this day till the day I die I will have thousand different feelings of love, anger, anxiety, despair, grief, happiness but none of them will be of that carefree exuberance when you are surrounded by 15 of your friends in the middle of a desert under the stars; intoxicated, high on life standing atop a dune and you come rolling down hoping to stand on your feet in one piece. Different people may feel differently on reading this blog but I am writing this specifically so that I can come and read this at different times of my life, remember those few years of my life and for a few moments feel how it felt in those moments.
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